The history of all hitherto existing bake sales, PTA functions, potlucks, children’s birthday parties, weddings, vegan cookbooks, Hostess snack boxes, and SNL rap parodies is the history of cakes and their “cup”-sized brethren. The cupcake stands in direct opposition to the flaky-crusted, fruit-scented, best-with-vanilla-ice-cream pies that define everything good and wholesome and pure in this world.
The History of The Cupcake Oppression
People have been loving pies since before 2000 B.C.. People loved pies so much that they called their loved ones “honey pie” and “cutie pie.” Eve sinned for an apple (or was that a quince?) pie. Shepherds wooed their shepherdesses with shepherd’s pie (it’s in Arcadia). The British ate mince meat pies every Christmas, Ancient Greeks built monuments honoring spanakopita, and Gwenyth Paltrow christened her daughter after Vermont’s State Pie. Soon afterwards, Europeans “discovered” America away from the Native Americans, and populated places like Boston Cream, the Florida Key Limes, and Kentucky Derby, which they named after pies.
Cupcake domination began in nineteenth century America, when bakers started to make cakes in one-cup measurements. Pretty soon, Little Debbie started selling cupcakes at Magnolia bakery , and the blogosphere went crazy, and major newspapers said, “Hey, cupcakes are awesome.” But cupcakes aren’t awesome - they have crushed the voiceless pie class for far too long.
How have cupcakes continued to reign supreme? In the 17th century, Oliver Cromwell banned pie-eating on Christmas. Betty Crocker, being a proper capitalist, used the opportunity to fill every Wal-Mart shelf with cake mixes and Funfetti icing. Wal-Mart shoppers (being a wily race) realized they could make a lot of cupcakes quickly without having to do much more than heat up their ovens. Pretty soon everyone thought that cupcakes were cute and easy – even easier than pie! So while people confined pies to county fairs, the freezer section, and binge-eating contests, the cupcake became the go-to treat for children and adults worldwide.
The Cupcake’s Appeal
The cupcake class perpetuates a mythology to maintain its class status:
Cupcakes lovers say that cupcakes are sweet.
Cupcakes lovers say that cupcakes are easy.
Cupcakes lovers say that cupcakes appeal to children and adults.
Cupcake lovers says that cupcakes come in cute single-servings.
The weapons with which the cupcake felled the pie are now turned against the cupcake itself. To make cupcakes, Modern Industry created cupcake tins. In manufacturing cupcake tins, Modern Industry also created the cupcake’s downfall. Cheap bakers who didn’t feel like buying tart pans filled them with pie crust and fruit-flavored filling. The mini pie was born. And the mini pie beats the cupcake on all counts.
The Mini Pie Rebuttal
Mini pies can be sweet or savory. Mini pies can contain eggs, meat, chocolate, custard, pulses, vegetables, and fruit. Mini pies can be made with fresh, seasonal ingredients all year long. Mini pies can be eaten at breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, dessert, or snack-time. Mini pies span races, cultures, and continents, and they look cute and tasty no matter where they’re made.
Mini pies are so easy-as-pie, they literally take down the cake. Mini pie dough can be made ahead of time and frozen in pie tins, allowing cooks to pull together mini pies in mere minutes (not including baking time).
Mini pies prove social creatures: they like sides. Cheese, ice cream, custards, coffee, wine, whipped cream, fruit sauce, chocolate drizzle – mini pies provide the perfect excuse to eat any and all manners of special happy toppings.
Mini pies appeal to everyone who likes pie (i.e., everyone).
Mini pies, like cupcakes, come in cute single-servings. Unlike cupcakes, mini pies fill your house with pie-baking aromas, can make complete meals, and go towards your three-a-days. Also, they’re pies. In miniature.
Join the Revolution
The mini pie epoch has arrived. Don’t resist – do you really want to go down in history as that loser who just didn't get that "whole mini pie thing?" Pick up your “mini pie” pan. Throw out your cupcake mix. Dust off your rolling pin and start flattening some pie dough. Fill the world with peace, joy, and mini pies!